you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
