i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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