I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
