Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
