were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
why do cheetos always look like penises
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
