you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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