Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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