Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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