I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
