I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Rumble strips road head = magical
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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