It's like God shit irony all over that family
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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