Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I love you. Go after that dick
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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