I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She's the barista slut.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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