Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
