I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
