I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
