It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize