I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
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