So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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