i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
