I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
