I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
