fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
