im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
