I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
it hurts more in the daytime
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
