It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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