Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
