there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
