i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
