god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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