This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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