You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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