Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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