I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
