Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
