oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
