Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
