i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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