I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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