i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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