Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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