I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
