Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
