if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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