You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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