I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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