one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
