The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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