I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
