it wasn't lemon gatorade
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
