she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
