Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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