You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
