His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
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