im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
