you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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