I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
