his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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