You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
