GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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